Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
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When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good