…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
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Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
#parenting
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.