Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
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So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Remember folks 😂
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.