looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
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My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
No regrets in 2018
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station