breakfast, the most important beer of the day
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I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
absolutely not
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?