You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
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Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*