ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
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When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
j o i m p
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Anime is real
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?