You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
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So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
ACED my prostate exam!
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Tremendous stuff
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea