Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
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I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Meanwhile in Portland…
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.