How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
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Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*