Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
You Might Also Like
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Chicago sounds lovely.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.