Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
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If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.