The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
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One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first