“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
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I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
english majors be like furthermore
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.