With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
You Might Also Like
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.