Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
me and my fake scenarios
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.