I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
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Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
#ParentingFacts
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Meanwhile in Canada…
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I’m calling the cops.