i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
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Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.