yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
You Might Also Like
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
No chill.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”