Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
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*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no