I believe the plural is “milves.”
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[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
time machine? you mean a clock?
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related