Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 馃憤馃挍
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So鈥 meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let鈥檚 find out
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
鉂わ笍鉂わ笍鉂わ笍
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
鈥he end.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person鈥檚 life for 26 dollars.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
He’s so proud of his work! 馃ぃ
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Snapes on a plane.