[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
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Okay me first
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I think this should do it.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome