old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
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[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.