The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
You Might Also Like
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Cat.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I self medicate, therefore you live.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist