Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
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Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit