When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
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Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.