If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
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[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.