“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
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home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
The Joker was right
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!