If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
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I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
When someone says you are so lazy
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Lmao 🤣
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf