Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
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The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I like crazy people until they notice me
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I get distracted pretty eas
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
How to wake up a Beagle
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.