If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
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Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Did a trash talking tree write this?
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
ouch
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady