At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
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prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.