Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
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[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”