I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
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I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.