Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
You Might Also Like
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
The sacred texts.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining