ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
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“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot