luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
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Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Help Wanted
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic