Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
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Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.