I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
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ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions