The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
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How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole