Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
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It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked