I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
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I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
so much to do
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.