Funny because it’s true. 🤣
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!