You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
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Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
im all 3
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen