Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
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how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Mad Max: Furry Road
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations