Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
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Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.