All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
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are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself