me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
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*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.