The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
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Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
My support group can outdrink your support group.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.